279 - Mail-order Enlightenment

Unnatural Phenomenon: Mail-order Enlightenment

Word is that they kept getting targeted by the FDA in sweeps of shutting down those illegal websites that sell opioids and boner pills through the mail. They had their best run by labeling it as an alternative medicine but even then rumours that what they were selling was poisonous had all manner of law enforcement sniffing around. There was a big month-long sale last April and then the last site went offline after a week and never came back up. It’s all underground these days, best bet is if you can get someone who stocked up during the gold rush to hook you up.

Fourteen little yellow capsules in some cheap, numbered blister packaging like birth control. You can tell the real stuff from the fake by a strong artificial cheese-like odour that makes your nose sting. The knock offs haven’t managed to replicate that part yet. Take one a day and after about a week you’ll feel it start to kick in. The few old-school psychonaut subcultures on it (plenty won’t touch them) sit around dreaming up conspiracy theories about how the authorities are trying to clamp down on fast track, consumer-grade enlightenment. The truth is the cops and the politicians probably don’t know much, they certainly aren’t in any hurry to schedule the stuff. At least the kids and the nootropic huffing yuppies are willing to admit they’re mostly in it for the “cool powers”.

Basically it’s a pharmacological fast track to what you’d get out of five to ten years practicing meditation. You’ll feel better, think more clearly, even your immune system will thank you. You’ll be more in sync with the universe. The two week course of pills is enough to get you there and then back down gradually over the week after you stop taking them. Some people treat it like a mini-vacation for their brain, but you can chain them together to stay up there.

The really interesting thing is the side effects. Eventually people start to have visions, see things like auras around people or get premonitions of the future. One guy claimed he could see the whole lower end of the electromagnetic spectrum. What you get is luck of the draw and it’s inconsistent but the longer you keep taking your pills the stronger and more reliable it becomes.

I guess inviting an interdimensional entity to take up residence in your head will do that. What? You thought these people were “unlocking their potential”? No way, psychic powers are a crock of shit. What they’re seeing is what the entity sees when it’s looking at the world through their eyes. The pills are a gateway. I mean, who knows what they’re really even made out of?

Anyway, I need your help. I tried feeding them to my cat but it didn’t work. I want to negotiate with this thing, open a dialogue and find out what it really wants, but I can’t do that if I’m the one taking them. I’d be its hostage. That’s why you’re tied up. Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. I just need to keep you down here for a couple of weeks while we work together on this.

Please don’t be mad, it’s going to be really cool.